Sunday, February 04, 2007

Interview For My Last Job (1982)

Inspired by this item I found on a web page called: Dumb Things People Said or Did During a Job Interview: Applicant said if he was hired he would demonstrate his loyalty by having the corporate logo tattooed on his forearm.


Human Resources Personnel: Mister Keiler, why do you want to work for the corporation?
Larry Keiler: Well, I need the job don't I? Besides, I'm anxious to get into the oil field. Great future in oil, I hear...

HR: Why do you think you're qualified for this position?
LK: All the self-help books say you can do anything you put your mind to. A little creative visualization. The power of Positive Thinking. The Power of Now! I've read Dale Carnegie back to front. I know how to influence friends and win people. I'm in serious danger of awakening the giant within.

HR: What assets do you bring to the table?
LK: What do you mean, like, a bank account? A stock portfolio? Do I have to put up my house as collateral?

HR: Skills, Mister Keiler. You're applying for the position of Junior Executive Assistant to the Executive Assistant to the Second Vice President for Public Relations. Do you have any particular skills that would be valuable in this position?
LK: Well...let's, I'd have to say, um, that I have highly refined, uh, well-developed communications skills. Like, you know, I can talk up a storm, yessiree Bobbo, once you get my tongue wagging there's hellbent fer leather going on, if you know what I mean, but not in a bad way, of course, I mean, I don't mess around with gossip at all, none of this watercooler stuff for me I can be just as discreet as the next Junior Executive Assistant maybe more because my mother used to wash out my mouth with soap and boy I'll tell ya that doesn't taste very good does it, so I watch myself yes I do and I try to be especially observant because I'm anxious to learn, you know? I'm anxious to find out just exactly what's going on in the tiny little heads of all the drones in their airless cubicles tapping away on little memos and reports and making files and

HR: Yes. Well.
LK: Excuse me?

HR: Can you type, Mister Keiler?
LK: Fify characters a minute! And I'm pretty handy with the liquid paper too!

HR: You realize we use computers here?
LK: Even better! I love that Delete key. And the Control key. Gotta love Control!

HR: Can you make coffee?
LK: Does Columbia have beans?

HR: How's your spelling?
LK: Spelling is the last refuge of the incompetent.

HR: What?
LK: Spelling doesn't count unless you're thirteen years old and a finalist in the International Spelling Bee.

HR: I was a finalist in the International Spelling Bee when I was thirteen.
LK: See what I mean? How did you do?

HR: I tripped over amanuensis. I'm sorry, Mister Keiler, I don't think you are a suitable candidate for this position...
LK: Look, Ms. HR, can I call you H? Look here, I need this job. Not only do I need it, I want it too, though I'm not sure why. Tell you what. I'll make you a deal. You give me this job and I'll have the company logo tattooed right here on my forearm. Right here. I'll wear short sleeves all the time so everybody can see it. I'll wave my arms around when I talk to draw attention to it. What do you say?

HR: All right, you're hired. I hope I won't regret this.
LK: Thank you thank you thank you. By the way, the pay?

HR: Yes, you'll be paid. And there's also a provision for company stock options to top up your pension fund.
LK: Lovely, thank you.

***'s the logo I had tattooed on my right arm:

I don't think I had anything to do with the collapse. At least, I'm pretty sure. I mean, I was only the Junior Executive Assistant to the Executive Assistant to the Second Vice, not even the First Vice. Of course, there was that memo I inadvertently emailed to the New York Times...but I don't think it could have been that. Do you? Nah...couldn't have been...

I'm checking into the possibility of getting the tattoo removed. I wouldn't have to pay for it. Inmates of the Yoni School get all their health expenses covered by the generous taxpayers of Ontariariario. (Which Nurse Ratchet never lets us forget.) But I've heard it's painful and not very effective.

Maybe I can get it moved to some place less visible. Like maybe the same place my stock options went.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

Gosh Larry, you ARE a nut case!!!

w.t. almost fell off her chair, laughing

Could've broken my crown, you know!

Help! I've written and I can't get up!