Is It Margarine or Is It Butter?

It's My Constitutional Right to Have Margarine That's White!

After 20 years or so, Quebec has buckled under to the blandishments and pressure of the international/interprovincial margarine lobby and agreed to allow margarine to be coloured yellow. No longer will we be able to purchase uncoloured margarine anywhere, no longer allowed to squeeze the little packages of food-colouring into the pale oleaginous blob of edible oil. I did an informal survey, and apparently this was a common rite of childhood for many.

Now I know you're wondering, especially if you're not from Quebec, what the hell Larry's talking about. Well lemme tell ya. Some years ago, the dairy industry in Quebec prevailed upon the government to pass a law requiring that margarine be left in its original state...white...so that there would be no doubt as to what it was. Margarine. Not butter. The argument was that if margarine were allowed to be yellow, consumers would be confused.

Confused? Yes, I know there have been those TV commercials where the margarine tub and the butter ball argue about which is better, or which is which, or who is whom, or what is what. I'll tell you what. Everybody knows the difference between margarine and butter, regardless of colour. But oh no! The dairy industry in its wisdom, and the government in its paternalism, decided that the pûr laine Québecois was too gullible, too ignorant, too confused to distinguish between butter and margarine. So they outlawed yellow margarine. And by doing so interfered with interprovincial trade. See, those big dairies desperately want to flood the Quebec market with cheap yellow margarine, but they were prevented from doing so. (I wonder if it costs more to produce white margarine?)

OK, I know it sounds like I oppose the Quebec government's decision all those years ago. In fact, I've only ever heard one argument in favour of the white margarine that really makes any sense, because surely it's clear that consumers are not so easily confused. But...in the restaurant, when you order the roti (toast)...then it comes already with the butter on...melted. Or is it margarine? Harder to tell then, eh? Makes you confused.

"Eh, garçon, q'est-ce que c'est, là? Butter or margarine?"

"Je ne sais pas, monsieur. Ees eet white or yellow? If yellow, zen eet ees buttair."

Now, this rationale makes sense to me. But it's the only one.

Except for this: freedom of choice! When the Quebec law was in force, Canajuns had a choice. They could have butter. Or they could have white margarine. Or...they could have yellow margarine. To be sure, if you lived in Quebec, you had to smuggle it across provincial borders, but we Canajuns are used to that. Laurentide beer tucked in the trunk from Montreal to Hawgtown. Montreal bagels. Smokes from Kahnewake. Innumerable levels of government have made experienced smugglers of us all.

I repeat. There was choice! Variety! Who wants to go into the dépanneur and be faced with an entire cooler full of the same thing? No! We want choice. We want the right to choose yellow or white margarine! Are you with me?

It's in the constitution. We all have the right to life, liberty and the pursuit of the edible oil product of our choice.

Wait a minute.

That's the Murrican constitution.

In Canaduh we're allowed to have peace, order, and government. (Actually, the constitution says good government, but we seem to have given up on that a long time ago...)

I guess that's it then. Another long-standing Canajun tradition down the tubes. Next thing you know, they'll be telling us that poutine has too much cholesterol.

Update on "Gonna Keep Dancing"

Gonna Keep Dancing Crashes & Burns

I'm sorry to report that "Gonna Keep Dancing" did not win the Juno Award last night. Sadly, for Eddie, the award was won by:

There has been no word from Eddie directly yet, but my guess is he's still recovering from the Juno parties. Even if you don't win, there's lots of fun to be had. And I expect also that he's not completely disappointed. He was astonished to receive the nomination in the first place. Congratulations to Ms. Gould, and to Eddie: Make another one!

Meanwhile, you can encourage Eddie by going to his site and buying his CD so he can pay for the next one!

For a listing of other winners, you can go to the Juno site.

Help the Tibetans Pt.II

Dear friends, Tibetans have exploded onto the streets in frustration--call on China to respect human rights and enter dialogue with the Dalai Lama now: Sign the Petition! After decades of repression under Chinese rule, the Tibetan people's frustrations have burst onto the streets in protests and riots. With the spotlight of the upcoming Olympic Games now on China, Tibetans are crying out to the world for change. The Chinese government has said that the protesters who have not yet surrendered "will be punished". Its leaders are right now considering a crucial choice between escalating brutality or dialogue that could determine the future of Tibet, and China. We can affect this historic choice--China does care about its international reputation. China's President Hu Jintao needs to hear that the 'Made in China' brand and the upcoming Olympics in Beijing can succeed only if he makes the right choice. But it will take an avalanche of global people power to get his attention--and we need it in the next 48 hours. The Tibetan Nobel peace prize winner and spiritual leader, the Dalai Lama has called for restraint and dialogue: he needs the world's people to support him. Click below now to sign the petition--and tell absolutely everyone you can right away--our goal is 1 million voices united for Tibet: http://www.avaaz.org/en/tibet_end_the_violence/6.php China's economy is totally dependent on "Made in China" exports that we all buy, and the government is keen to make the Olympics in Beijing this summer a celebration of a new China, respected as a leading world power. China is also a very diverse country with a brutal past and has reason to be concerned about its stability -- some of Tibet's rioters killed innocent people. But President Hu must recognize that the greatest danger to Chinese stability and development comes from hardliners who advocate escalating repression, not from Tibetans who seek dialogue and reform. We will deliver our petition directly to Chinese officials in London, New York, and Beijing, but it must be a massive number before we deliver the petition. Please forward this to your address book with a note explaining to your friends why this is important, or use our tell-a-friend tool to email your address book--it will come up after you sign the petition. The Tibetan people have suffered quietly for decades. It is finally their moment to speak--we must help them be heard. With hope and respect, Ricken, Iain, Graziela, Paul, Galit, Pascal, Milena, Ben and the whole Avaaz team PS - It has been suggested that the Chinese government may block the Avaaz website as a result of this email, and thousands of Avaaz members in China will no longer be able to participate in our community. A poll of Avaaz members over the weekend showed that over 80% of us believed it was still important to act on Tibet despite this terrible potential loss to our community, if we thought we could make a difference. If we are blocked, Avaaz will help maintain the campaign for internet freedom for all Chinese people, so that our members in China can one day rejoin our community. Here are some links with more information on the Tibetan protests and the Chinese response: BBC News: UN Calls for Restraint in Tibet Human Rights Watch: China Restrain from Violently Attacking Protesters Associated Press: Tibet Unrest Sparks Global Reaction New York Times: China Takes Steps to Thwart Reporting on Tibet Protests -------------------------------------------- ABOUT AVAAZ Avaaz.org is an independent, not-for-profit global campaigning organization that works to ensure that the views and values of the world's people inform global decision-making. (Avaaz means "voice" in many languages.) Avaaz receives no money from governments or corporations, and is staffed by a global team based in London, Rio de Janeiro, New York, Paris, Washington DC, and Geneva. Don't forget to check out our Facebook and Myspace pages! To contact Avaaz, write to info@avaaz.org. You can also send postal mail to our New York office: 260 Fifth Avenue, 9th floor, New York, NY 10001 U.S.A. http://www.avaaz.org.

Help the Tibetans

Read this doc on Scribd: Canada-Tibet Committee-Help Save Tibet

Update on Chuck Cadman Affair

So, here's a copy of Prime Minister Harpie's statement of claim. It's a long document. I haven't even read it yet. But if you're dogged and determined, go ahead. I got this (with some finagling) from Stephen Taylor's Constipated Blog, which I read now and then to find out what the other ideologues are saying. If you click on the square box in the upper right corner, you'll get a full-sized page.

Read this doc on Scribd: Statement-of-Claim-Stephen-Harper-stephentaylorca

The Chuck Cadman Affair

Um, did I mention that Canajun politics get interesting sometimes? Yes, I think I did in the previous post. Here's another example, this one on the federal level.

Canaduh has a minority parliament at the moment. It's been a long moment. Two years of Constipated minority government. And before that, some months of Gliberal minority government. For those who don't follow this, minority government means that the party with the most seats in the House of Commons does not have a majority of the seats, so that whenever a vote comes along, the governing party must depend on some other party to vote along with it. Usually that's one of the so-called "Third" parties, of which there is more than one. There are two: the Floc Québecois, which has seats only in Québec, and the NDP (aka Nearly Demented Party) which has seats only in its own mind. That leaves Her Majesty's Loyal Opposition, the official opposition party, which is the Gliberal Party of Canaduh. And there is also the odd Independent Member of Parliament. And believe me, that is odd, because the party system has a stranglehold on the Parliamentary system in this our Dominion of Canaduh.

Which leads us into the latest scandale to hit the House. By my (admittedly hazy) calculations, we've had nearly three years of minority government around here. And that's the true beginning of this story.

Back when the Gliberals led the minority government, the array of forces was so evenly split that one or two votes could totter the teeter and bring down the government. And it just so happened that there was one Independent MP, name of Chuck Cadman, who represented a riding somewhere out there on the left coast. (There's a whole back story there, too. He'd been formerly a Constipator, but was dastardly done out of his re-nomination for his seat. He ran as an Independent and beat the pants off the Constipated candidate who had usurped his place. So, by conviction, Cadman was a Constipator, but he sure as hell didn't owe them much.

Chuck Cadman was also dying of cancer. And this is where the story gets sticky.

The leader of the Constipated Party of Canada, our most beloved Stephen Harpie, lusted mightily after the job of Prime Minister. He dearly desired to defeat the Gliberal government in a vote of non-confidence and thereby trigger an election which he deemed he could win. (And which he eventually did win, although with only another minority...)

There was just such a non-confidence motion coming up, engineered I forget how, but never mind. And Harpie wanted Cadman's vote badly.

But here's the rub. Cadman, even if he agreed with Harpie, was highly unlikely to help bring down the government. And here's why: as an MP, he was entitled to death benefit insurance to the tune of $400,00 or so. Well, his wife was. But if the House dissolved, technically Cadman was no longer an MP. He was, rather, a candidate. And the question of death benefits was up in the air if he died while running for office. So...better for him and his family if he died while actually in office. Not everybody was aware of this, but a sufficient number of people were in the know including, according to his own account, Stephen Harpie.

Nevertheless, a couple of Constipated officials decided to approach Mr. Cadman anyway. And the allegation is that he was offered a $1M life insurance policy if he would vote against the government, and thereby cause it to fall and precipitate an election. Which the Constipators hoped to win.

Well, when push came to shove and shove came to vote Mr. Cadman voted with the governing party, those slippery Gliberals because, to him, a death benefit in the hand was better than Constipator promises in the bush. And furthermore he said publicly that he had been offered nothing more than an unopposed candidacy in the next election and funds to help him campaign as if he were an official Constipator candidate. In other words, no real financial benefit to sway his vote, which would have been totally illegal.

But now, a new biography of Cadman, Tom Zytaruk's book Like a Rock: The Chuck Cadman Story, has revealed the alleged machinations of the Constipated Party. The book claims that Cadman, on his deathbed, confided to his daughter about the offer made to him.

Who the hell knows whether this story is true? Only the people who may have made such an offer, and Cadman himself, who is dead.

But the Gliberal Party has been having a field day with this. If the offer was made in bald terms (which seems unlikely...how could anybody be that stupid?) it was illegal as hell. Accusations have been flying in the Common Bawdy House of Commoners.

And on the Gliberal website. Have a look at these articles:

Harpie Must Come Clean About Allegations of Constipative Bribery,
Gliberals sayHarpie Knew of Constipative Bribery
Harpie Must Explain Content of Zytaruk Tape

And what has been the result of all this fur flying? Prime Mystery Stephen Harpie, who is nothing if not petty and vindictive, has decided to sue the leader of the Gliberal Party, M. Dion and the Outremonts, and several other members as well, for libel. It's a first for the Canajun political system. (See, in Canajun politics, you can say damn well anything you please in the Common Bawdy House of Commoners if it's not un-parliamentary, and there are no repercussions. But if you repeat statements outside the House, you open yourself to law suits. It's called Parliamentary Privilege or something like that.)

The main defence against charges of libel is truth. If your statements are true and proveable, you can't lose. But in this case, proof may be hard to come by. As for statements on the Gliberal website, maybe they can argue that they were only "reporting" on statements made by members in the Common Bawdy House.

Now here's another twist. Cadman's wife Dona, who originally endorsed the tale of attempted vote-buying, will be a candidate for the Constipated Party in the next election!

Did I mention that Canajun politics can get interesting sometimes?

(PS. Anybody who has read this blog knows that I don't use the real names of individuals or parties when I write about Canajun politics. I make up new names to protect the guilty. In this case, however, I did use the real names of Cadman and his wife, cuz you have to give the story some touchstone with reality if you expect to be able to follow it. Now, if you click on the links, you'll get the real names of the parties involved. I can't be held responsible for others' inability to write proper satirical fiction.)

Larry Fills in the Gaps

Well, of course I was somewhat derelict in my journalistic duties in the previous post. In my provincial arrogance I assume everybody knows who Wiarton Willie is. That's him on the left. And on the right. In the cage.

Willie is Canada's most famous weather prognosticator -- an albino groundhog who emerges (or is coaxed) from his lair every Feb. 2, Groundhog Day. If he sees his shadow, it means that we will have an early spring in good old Ontariario. If not, it means six more weeks of winter.

A few smartasses have sort of worked out that either way, we get six more weeks of winter, at a minimum.

And furthermore, it's been known to snow on the May Two-Four weekend...(Victoria Day holiday for all you loyal British Imperialists.) That's considerably more than six weeks.

Click on Willie to go to a little blurb website about him and his hometown.

Was Wiarton Willie Right?

As I stare out the velvet bars of my window here at the Yoni School for Wayward Poets, it is snowing...AGAIN! Mothercorp tells me it's the result of La Niña, the nasty sister of El Niño.

Whatever.

But get this. A few weeks ago, I was also staring out through the slats, and what did I see? This:



I don't ever recall seeing a cardinal in the snow, or hearing one on the first day of February. I've also heard mourning doves and a chickadee. On the more temperate days.

It's hard to believe now when it's snowing yet again. But maybe Wiarton Willie was right and we'll get an early spring.

Caledonia, Caledonia, What Makes Your Big Head So Hard?

Today is the second anniversary of the Six Nations native occupation of the Douglas Creek Estates in Caledonia, in good old Ontariario.

The second anniversary.

I haven't written about it previously. The world is full of occupations and disputes and land claims. Many of them bigger and more momentous. Israel, Palestine and Gaza. That's one big land claim isn't it?

But Caledonia is closer to home.

On Feb. 28/06, the members of the Six Nations took over a land development site called Douglas Creek Estates, on which building had already taken place, saying it was native land and it belonged to them. They blockaded the road, which was in fact, the main street of Caledonia and took over. The blockade caused major disruptions in the town of Caledonia, gave rise to protests by the local residents, and in some cases incited destruction of property and minor violence. Especially during the first year of the occupation, there was a great deal of tension. This abated somewhat after the blockade was finally removed, but other developments since then have ensured that the crisis is not yet past.

That's a little bit of background. If you want more, Google Douglas Creek Estates - Caledonia ON and you'll find that a little industry has grown up around this occupation.

So now we are into year 3. HWSRN just happened to be in Caledonia today, the actual day of the anniversary. He took some photos (from a distance, without getting out of his vehicle, because it is not a place that is inviting to people taking photos, unless you are big mainstream media, and sometimes not even then.)

The Caledonia occupation brings into stark relief all the problems Canada has had in dealing with aboriginals, land claims, and the reserve system. Overlapping jurisdictions exacerbate the problem. 200 year old treaties raise their hoary heads. Mohawk Warriors slip in and out of the territory relatively unimpeded. It's a mess. And the local residents suffer the consequences but don't have any of the power.

Ultimately, the Six Nations are claiming (based on a treaty of 1784) a huge swath of southern Ontario, six miles on either side of the Grand River, for its whole length, which they say was never legally ceded to the government of Canada. It was taken from them over the years by government fiat or shady dealings, anything but an honest trade.

And here's where the difficulty begins. Jurisdictional troubles. The aboriginal question is a federal responsibility. And successive federal governments, of any party you'd like to name, have managed to drag their feet when it comes to dealing with land claims. They seem to hope it will all just go away if they ignore it or prolong the agony.

It's not going to go away. The First Nations have, if not the highest, one of the highest birth rates in the country. (And there's an interesting anthropological study...)

As a result, the state of land claims by aboriginal groups in Canada is a disaster. There have been some successes, but the looming claims far outnumber those.

Furthermore, any action by aboriginal groups inevitably takes place within some province's territory. So the provincial governments have to become involved. This occurs mainly in the area of policing. And in Ontariario, policing of sites like the Caledonia occupation has become a thorny problem, because a native, Dudley George, was killed by provincial police in 1995 at a similar dispute in Ipperwash Ontariario. The current premier of Ontariario, Malton McGuilty was instrumental in setting up the public inquiry that excoriated the previous government's actions at Ipperwash. So, when it comes to Caledonia, he's walking on eggshells. The result is a lot of football tossing. Back and forth. Back and forth.

Many Canajuns I have talked to just want the governments to do something! On the other hand, their opinions about the Six Nations claims are quite divided. Everybody seems to agree, more or less, on the justice of their claims. The natives have begun to develop the idea that they are stewards of the earth. I think this is possibly just another version of the Noble Savage myth, perpetrated by the "Noble Savages" themselves. But the protesters clearly broke laws and have never been called to account for that. The OPP (Ontariario Provincial Police) has repeatedly failed in its duty to enforce the law, and there is not a citizen in the province who doesn't think the reason for that is political manipulation. Malton McGuilty is guilty. And the continued inaction (or, at the least, failure to make visible progress) is made worse by the fact that the Six Nations groups themselves appear unable to produce a united leadership.

Oh, there's so much more to be said. But I have only one thing more right now. You know, India, Pakistan, most of Africa, parts of Asia...they're all still working through the consequences of colonialism, that virulent strain of thought which presumes that you can take over and actually own somebody else's land, their homeland, their culture. We see it all happening far away.

Caledonia proves that we're still dealing with the colonial past right here.

Afro-Centric Schools

Update: Jan.30/08
Last night the Hawgtown Board of Education voted in favour of establishing an Afro-Centric school.

A couple things about this:
Why did they decide that Afro-Centrism was the way to go?

1. Apparently, the dropout rate of Afro-Centrist students is about 40%. That's pretty high, motha. It means that Hawgtown's school system is failing its students. Especially the Afro-Centrist ones. (No mention of whether the students themselves are failing their futures.)
2. No one has come up with a better idea. This, according to the leader of the Ontariario NDP (Notquite Deceased Party), Howard Hambone.
3. A high school girl interviewed on the radio said that calling this proposed school "segregated" was offensive. Let's not forget that it's the Afro-Centrist Cultural Community that's asking for it. And further, we can all agree that the theory and the policy are not "segregationist" OK? But the practical effect will almost certainly be such.
   

Something I forgot to mention in the original post: If we think the system is inadequate, or the Afro-Centrist Cultural Community thinks their needs are being somehow neglected, what will be said if this idea doesn't work? I'll tell you. It will be said that the financial and educational needs of the Afro-Centric school were neglected. They didn't get the resources they needed. They were failed by the Hawgtown School Board.
There is a major public debate going on in Hawgtown these days about the proposed establishment of what is being called an "Afro-Centric" school. In other words, a school mostly for black students with a curriculum that would be slanted towards the Afro-Cultural slice of the Canajun multi-cultural mosaic, but still fulfilling the curriculum requirements of good old Ontariario.

Why has this issue come up? Because it seems the Afro-Cultural youths are not responding well to typical Canajun educational practices. They feel alienated. So they join gangs and collect guns and randomly shoot the innocent. They hang out in housing projects and terrorize the neighbours, also predominantly Afro-Cultural. So they need their own school to tell them where they came from. The current party line on the school is that it wouldn't be exclusively black. Whites, Asians, Indians, etc. would not be barred from attending this school. That's the theory, anyway. But we all know that the point of a theory is to disprove it. And it sounds to me like what is being suggested amounts to a segregated school, for all practical purposes.

What's surprising to me is that most of the push for this school is coming from some (but not all) members of the Afro-Canajun community. Far be it from me to hold up the US as a shining example, eh? But I seem to remember something about a US Supreme Court decision way back in 1954 called Brown v. The Board of Education (of Topeka, Kansas) which reversed the earlier policy of many many states to operate legally-mandated segregated schools. Part of the argument in that case revolved around whether official segregation was just a way of ensuring that blacks received inferior education.

Here in Canada, apparently it's the other way around. Here we are, Alice Through the Looking Glass. I guess it's only appropriate that we would mirror the US, in reverse. It's our way of asserting independence from the behemoth to the south. It's the obstreperous Canajun way.

But I have a question: What the hell does "Afro-Centric" mean in the context of Canada? In Hawgtown, where the debate is raging, there must be black students from every country on Earth that has black people. So they all came from Africa originally? OK. But my guess is that most of the Hawgtown black students actually came from Jamaica or Trinidad or one of the other Caribbean islands. Or were born of parents who did. Do they identify as Afro-Canadians? Not bloody likely! Yes, there are lots of Somalis, Kenyans, Nigerians la la la. Or children of them. But the diversity of the black population precludes any exclusive identification of "Afro-Centricity". So what are they going to be taught?

I don't know. It just seems to me that this is an idea that has went fifty years ago.

(I should say, by way of clarification scarification darification sparification, that the Yoni School where I am currently deposited is fully integrated desecrated desiccated cheesegrated. The only criterion we all meet for sure is that we are Wayward Poets. Everything else is gravy wavy navy knavey.)

Iran & World War Three? Pt.II

I hope the NY Times don't mind. I'm including this image of its front page from Nov. 15, 1969:

As you can see, on this day 38 years ago a quarter of a million people gathered in Washington to protest against the Vietnam war.

Oh, how times have changed!

Now, I ask myself, what's the difference between then and now.

I come up with really only one answer: fear.

The quarter-million Murricans (and many others) of 1969 feared neither the Vietnamese nor the Communists nor their own government. Such is not the case today. Murricans now fear Muslims (and that's a whole lot of the world's population these days) whether they live in Afghanistan or Saudi Arabia. They fear Mexicans. They fear their own government.

It's possible that this is not simply paranoia, I admit. Sometimes fear is the "rational" response. But if you allow the fear to rule you, then the logical consequences of that response become irrational.

There is some reason to fear the government. The Bush administration has made a concerted effort to feed that fear, to restrict the rights of US citizens (all in the name of security...and is there any as a result?...) I think most westerners (and that includes the Murricans) believe that they live in freedom. Life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness. Most, gazing off into the distance of the Middle East or Africa or China, don't recognize the repression in front of their noses.

Of course there is government repression in the US. In western Europe. In Canada. We may admit that it is relatively milder than so-called dictatorships in other regions, but it is repression nevertheless. Just ask those who do attempt to protest or demonstrate their opposition to unwarranted or unrepresentative government actions. Ask the people who protest against the Security and Prosperity Partnership right here in North America. (And some of these people are not even saying "Don't do it!" They're just saying, "Tell us what the hell's going on, tell us what your plans are!" Is this not anti-democratic? Is this not repression?)

The usual response to demonstrations and protests in the West is not so far different from what has outraged us recently in both Burma and Pakistan. The police (let's call them "security forces" as the media like to do for other countries) let it go on for a while (as long as it's not too rowdy) and then at some point determine that things must be shut down...for security. If anyone objects to being shut down, they are pepper-sprayed, tasered, arrested, beaten, charged and convicted. But of course, that's OK, because they're our police. They're not those brutal riot gangs in Rangoon.

A few years ago, former Premier Mike Harass of Ontariario put up barricades outside the Legislature. He didn't like the idea of people protesting there. At the figurative House of the People! He essentially instigated riots by trying to suppress the voice of the citizens of Ontariario. I had a hard time convincing some of my friends that the sight of police on horseback with riot sticks in front of our Legislature was something to be alarmed about...that the state was committing violence against its own citizens.

The people of 1969 may have been hippies and so-called radicals. But there is no doubt they had courage. They pushed back against a regime that did not seem to have their best interests at heart. Of course, many of those people are still around. But I wonder, have some of them become the people who need to be pushed back against?

As for the rest of us, I fear too. I fear that we have become hypnotized by technology, by media, by bland repetition of the Big Lie, by trivial pursuits, the latest iPod, the latest iPhone, the latest XBox, the latest celebrity scandal, the latest Hummer. And I lament. I lament that we have been cowed by fear. By complacency. By surveillance. By corporate power. By government power.

And I dread. That we have become sheeplike in our acceptance of authority.

Fear & Loathing in Montebello

Do you get the feeling that our so-called leaders are afraid of us?

That's the question that occurred to me as I watched TV coverage of the Montebello meeting of the Three Amigos.

The summit and its coverage were barely a blip on our consciousness. A few minutes on the nightly news. Commentary during the day. It's as if we hardly noticed that ordinary citizens voicing legitimate protest were assaulted by police. Here in the Peaceable Kingdom.

More than anything, this is what disturbs me. Leave aside for a moment the merits or flaws of the Security and Prosperity Partnership (SPP). It's that the people who ostensibly represent us hide behind a wall of police in riot gear, going so far as to invade (I'm tempted to use the term “desecrate”) a nearby cemetery; spray tear gas everywhere; mock the people involved; and pretend that it's just a casual, bureaucratic-type get-together – and we're not outraged by it. It's little more than an item on the national news.

Now, this may be mundane fare in war zones, or riot-prone countries. Not so unusual even in the US, I suppose, which has a history of sending in the National Guard. But here in the Peaceable Kingdom, I'd think such an event would rank fairly high on the outrage scale.

And it leads me to a question we have all had directed at us whenever one of our governments wants to do something that invades our privacy or our civil liberties: Amigos, if you have nothing to hide, what are you so worried about? Really! Why not let everybody see what boring stuff you're doing? Or is it that you spent two days playing on X-Box and don't want anybody to know?

I heard PM Harpie make fun of the protesters and citizens who have been expressing concern for months over this summit by citing the example of one industrialist attendee, a manufacturer of jelly beans. It seems the standards for jelly beans don't quite sync up between Canada and the US. How, he wonders, can discussion of jelly beans possibly be construed as a North American Unity conspiracy? My response to this is: What? You need a battalion of armed guards to discuss jelly beans?

OK, so I've drifted into the pros and cons of the SPP now. In fact, I reserve judgment on this issue. For the moment. I've been reading and hearing about it for months, and in fact intended to write a post about it quite a while ago but never got around to it. It seems obvious to me that the three countries that are party to NAFTA would want to harmonize some aspects of their trade and economic relations. Common standards for jelly beans, that would be a good thing. It's natural that we should agree on certain standards. In my view, though, the agreed-upon standards should be the highest standards, not the lowest. And if any one country cannot meet those standards, well they should not be included. Simple as that.

For example, it's been publicized that the US considers Canada's regulations about pesticide use on fruits and vegetables to be a restraint of trade, because they are more stringent than those in the US. Too bad, I say. The US should be forced to live up to the higher standard. The same goes for any regulation.

These are bureaucratic considerations. When it comes to things about true national interests, like water, oil, security, then I begin to think we are not necessarily obliged to be in lock-step. The SPP raises issues like harmonizing a terrorist no-fly list. We've all heard horror stories about innocent people ending up on such lists. I'm not in favour of bowing to the US on points like this, because I believe the US is still suffering from post-traumatic stress disorder and is not really thinking clearly about its security issues. And what they've managed to do so far is make us all a little crazy.

One thing that gives me pause in all this furor about the SPP is the strange bedfellows it has created. Here in Canada, the main opposition has come from the Council of Canadians which, by most standards, would be considered left-wing/progressive. Maude Barlow has been pushing the Canadian nationalist/beware the US message for a long time. Often she's right. But sometimes they're a little shrill and paranoid, I think. More so lately. But on the US side, who do we have? Most definitely right-wing Jerome R. Corsi, author of The Late Great USA, prime architect of the Swift Boat movement to defeat John Kerry in the last presidential election...a man who believes his government is leading the Murricans into a North American Union similar to the EU. This is a man who fits comfortably into the spectrum of opinion ranging towards the Michigan Militia and the anti-United Nations fanatics who think they are about to have their freedoms removed by One World Government.

I suppose you could say these widely-divergent world-views are united by a common element: the feeling that the sovereignty of their respective nations will be fatally undermined.

Or maybe two elements: that our governments are not telling us what they're really doing.

And I think that is dangerous.

Meanwhile, we were treated last week to the spectacle of Sureté du Québec officers dressed up in Halloween costumes and deliberately trying to start trouble where there wasn't any. Cops inciting a riot. All for the sake of discrediting protesters with legitimate concerns.

And the patronizing tone of all the leaders, insulting our intelligence and assaulting our fellow citizens. Mark my words...it's crap like that which foments unrest. And then maybe our leaders really will have something to be afraid of. Democracy.

Charles Simic, US Poet Laureate

Charles Simic has made it to the top of the potic heap, appointed Poet Laureate in the US. I don't know much about him, only the name. Here's a link for info and poems of his. And here's the NY Times telling us all about it.

I don't know much about his po-tree. I'm a little more familiar with Robert Pinsky, who preceded him and appears now on the right side of the page.


And who is the Canajun Poet Laureate? Hmm...that seems to be a complicated question.

Is it this man?


His name is John Steffler and he's the Parliamentary Poet Laureate. Whatever that is.

Is it this woman?
Her name is Pauline Michel and she was the Parliamentary Poet Laureate before John Steffler. Her term ended in Nov/06

Turns out the question is not so complicated after all. This man, George Bowering, was the first Parliamentary Poet Laureate, whose term ended in 2004. And who wouldn't choose a man who has the Peace Tower growing out of his shoulder?


Naturally it was in the last place I looked, but the article about George Bowering indicates that Canada's Poet Laureate is in fact called the Parliamentary Poet Laureate. I didn't know that. But then, what I don't know could fill a good-sized blog.

For example, I've never heard of Pauline Michel or John Steffler. Are they good potes? Dunno. Who'm I to judge? I'm just a street pote, locked up for misspelling and general surliness. I have several what I call "shopping list" pomes. People seem to like them. I've never been in the Parliament buildings.

I have, however, visited the Golden Boy who faces west from the top of the Ledge in Winterpeg. And they have buffaloes in the foyer! Or perhaps they're bison. There used to be also a statue of Louis Riel naked somewhere on the grounds, but they might have moved that.

Yes, in fact it's now located at Collège universitaire de Saint-Boniface, which is in ze French Quarter of ze city. Lovely place. In a Manitoba sort of way. (This photo above reproduced under the GNU Free Documentation License.)

You see, they put me in the Yoni School for Wayward Poets partly because I have trouble being serious about serious po-tree. You know, Po-tree with a capital P. I read Robert Pinsky's book, The Sounds of Poetry...from back to front. It made just as much sense to me as the other way around.

Is it a good thing to have a Parliamentary Poet Laureate? Dunno. Seems to me whenever you get Parliaments involved it's a taxing experience. But I heard George Bowering often on Mothercorp, so I guess that's good. Anything to raise the moral, ethical, spelling and potic standards of the Canajun peeples. And, you can actually apply for the job. So that's at least one person who makes a living off of po-tree. Even if it's at the expense of Canajun taxpayers who apparently prefer hockeyhockeyhockey. (Don't get me wrong. I like hockey fully as much as the next Canajun kid who once caught a puck with his mouth...)

On the other hand, serious potes always seem to have universities attached to them. Helluva thing to drag around, don't you think? Much better just to have a dog. Dogs always love you, especially if you feed them. They're not quite as heavy as universities. And they're almost as good as having tenure.

The Parliamentary Poet Laureate's tenure is apparently two years. A dog can live 15 or 18 if you treat it right and take it to the vet for its shots.

I wonder if Parliament would consider creating the post of Parliamentary Dog Laureate? A husky, that's the ticket! A team of huskies! And a sled! To pull the Poet Laureate around the Great White North! I think I'll send my MP an email...

Maybe I'll even apply for the job.

Breaking News Headlines From Mental Blog

CANADA TURNS 140!

MOHAWK NATION BLOWS OUT CANDLES & MAKES A WISH

CANADIAN MEDICAL ASSOCIATION PRESCRIBES VIAGRA...FOR MEDICARE

PRIME MYSTERY STEPHEN HARPIE TURNS GREEN
AT THE SIGHT OF ELIZABETH MAYORMAYNOT

QUEBEC CREATES SEPARATE NATION...IN ALBERTA

NEWFOUNDLAND PLANS TO BUILD BRIDGE TO ITSELF

PROPOSED TOLL HIGHWAY THROUGH NUNAVUT WILL EASE GRIDLOCK IN HAWGTOWN

BC SALMON SWIM DOWNSTREAM TO PROVE THEY CAN GO WITH THE FLOW

NEW UNDERGROUND RAILROAD TO TRANSPORT RUNAWAY SLAVES FROM SOUTHWESTERN ONTARIARIO TO ALABAMA

AIR CANADA SEEKS BANKRUPTCY PROTECTION, CITES NO-FLY LIST FOR STEEP DECLINE IN PASSENGER BOOKINGS

Sam the Record Man Closes Down

The flagship store of Sam the Record Man is closing down in old Hawgtown. A victim of modern technology. Ain't nobody buyin' CDs hardly anymore. How can even an institution like Sam's keep up?

Of course, I feel as if I'm solely responsible for the demise of this landmark. I just didn't shop there enough. (I have an excuse now, squirreled away in the Yoni School as I am for god knows how much longer...) In fact, hardly at all. Even when I lived in Hawgtown.

Still, in the misty days of my youth, Sam's was Mecca. Music Mecca. You would go in there and just wish you had a pot full of money cuz there was so much to buy. You could hardly decide where to start. All that music! Anything you wanted! Amazing prices! (In those days, some of the prices were amazing. Later, as Sam's became a chain, the prices became amazingly homogenized with the rest of the industry...)

I bought my first Steely Dan album there. I bought records there on my honeymoon. (Yessss, I had a honeymoon. It was short. I still have the records.) I bought an album by a loony called Screamin' Lord Sutch who drove around in a Rolls Royce painted as a Union Jack. Crappy album, really, but Lord Sutch could afford to pay guys like Jimmy Page and Jeff Beck and Nicky Hopkins to back up his screams. How could you not buy it? 99 cents.

Will I miss Sam the Record Man? Probably not. Will I remember? Definitely.

Parti Québécois Loses 2 Leaders in One Week

Bloc Québécois Leader Gilles DeSeat is known as an excellent debater. "Of course, I'm an excellent debater..." he often says. Here, he is shown defeating himself in debate:

GD: Should I run for PQ leader? Yes I think I should. (May 11/07)
GD: Non, I think you should stay in federal politics. Remain leader of the BQ.
GD: I really think my nation needs me. These Québeckers, they are so confused.
GD: You think the Québeckers are confused? Are you not a member of a federal parliament that is paying you to be a separatist?
GD: Sorry, I forgot. OK, I will stay as BQ leader. (May 12/07)
GD: Non, you should become leader of the PQ.
GD: Please, I cannot make up my mind. Do you think maybe I should instead become General Manager of the Canadian National Hockey Team? Dat way I could choose any captain I want.
GD: I think you should abdicate all responsibility and give it to a woman. How about dat Mare-wha? woman?
GD: Mare-who?
GD: Non, Mare-wha?!
GD: OK, OK, I will stay as BQ leader. B comes before P. Besides, a woman should lead the nation out of confederation. Dat way they cannot always blame it on the men.
GD: Oui, and she probably knows how to make up her mind too.

A Quarter for Your (Paranoid) Thoughts

Really, this is too much!

AP reported yesterday that some visiting US Army contractors spotted an outlandish coin while travelling in Canada, and they considered it to be so suspicious that they filed espionage reports about it.

The suspicious coin turned out to be the one shown here, the famous (only in Canada, you say?) "Poppy" quarter, the first colourized coin in the world.

It caused quite a sensation (only in Canada, you say?) when it was issued in 2004, because the government chose TimHo's to be the main distributor of the coin...proving once again that Canajuns really are all TimHoes.

I don't like to be too critical but sometimes you just have to shake your head. We Canajuns are often astounded at the appalling ignorance of our Murrican neighbours to the south. You know, the home of Mom, apple pie and a Commie under every bed.

Especially if it's a Canajun bed. (Didn't some Yanqui senator call us the Republic of Canuckistan or something like that? Clever enough, and lots of Canajuns got a laugh out of it, but it was deliberately inflammatory. But never mind, quite a few loose-mouthed Canajuns are also guilty of that form of idiocy with regard to our Friendly Giant neighbours.)

The poppy is the symbol (only in Canada, you say?) of war remembrance and it is inspired by this pome, written by a Canajun, and proclaimed by the Arlington National Cemetery as "one of the most memorable war poems ever written". Arlington National Cemetery is, I believe, one of the better-known institutions in...where was that, now?...oh yeah, the Excited States of Murrica. (So that must mean that not all Murricans are appallingly ignorant, praise the Lord! and pass the ammunition...)

In Flanders Fields
By: Lieutenant Colonel John McCrae, MD (1872-1918)
Canadian Army

IN FLANDERS FIELDS the poppies blow
Between the crosses row on row,
That mark our place; and in the sky
The larks, still bravely singing, fly
Scarce heard amid the guns below.

We are the Dead. Short days ago
We lived, felt dawn, saw sunset glow,
Loved and were loved, and now we lie
In Flanders fields.

Take up our quarrel with the foe:
To you from failing hands we throw
The torch; be yours to hold it high.
If ye break faith with us who die
We shall not sleep, though poppies grow
In Flanders fields.

Now, I don't expect the average Murrican to know this pome was written by a Canajun, or to know the pome at all, for that matter. It's a Canajun institution, for sure, and most Canajuns don't know all the words. But neither do I expect Murricans to come to Canada and proclaim, "Hmm, that's a mighty suspicious pome! We better test it to make sure it ain't gonna blow up!"

Which is what the US Army contractors did. (Or, rather, the Defense Security Service.) They suspected nano-technology! I suspect that nano-technology represents the size of the intellects involved.

What I want to know is: What the hell are US Army contractors doing in Canada anyway? I thought the war was somewhere else. What? Were these maybe a coupla Blackwater Boys on vacation in Niagara Falls, spending the combat pay they earned protecting VIPs in Baghdad? One of them buys a pack of gum and gets the quarter in his change? And, we Canajuns being so friendly (he wasn't being shot at by desperate Iraqis), he didn't realize he was in a furrin country where the money might be different?

And then, to compound the stupidity (and the arrogance) they label this coin a secret weapon that was somehow planted on them. In Canada. Which is the country that has had the longest-standing friendship with the US and is, in fact, an ally in that other adventure in Afghanistan. I as