The Lunchbucket Lament has just received word via telegraph that the Métis rebel Louis Riel has been hanged in Regina for his role in the Northwest Rebellion of 1884. Members of the Northwest Mounted Police were deployed in force at the site of the execution and throughout half-breed enclaves all across the western territories to minimize any possibility of unrest or violence.
The Prime Minister in Ottawa, Sir John A. A. is reported to have knitted his brow, (the previous brow having become unravelled in the face of insurrection) and murmurred, "Hang the man! He's been no end of trouble to me!" When told, once again, that Riel had been hanged, Sir A. A. nodded and sighed, "Now, if we could only apply the same measures to the Honourable Leader of the Opposition..." Sir A. A. was later seen in the House of Commons, wearing his smartly-striped new brow and sipping ice water from a large tumbler.
Mr. Riel was asked his opinion of the hanging. He said, "I agree with A. A. The Leader of the Opposition has got to go." When reminded that it was he himself who had been hanged, he replied, "My lawyer thinks I'm mad as a hatter. But I've never had a problem with my knitted brow. It's the buffalo hair, you see..."
This correspondent fears that the execution of Louis Riel could well have repercussions that will reverberate far into the future, affecting many diverse aspects of the young Canadian society, from public art to the naming of schools to land claims to highways to the publication of histories and mysteries. Perhaps it would not be imprudent to suggest that the Northwest Territories be granted provincial status as quickly as may be practicable, since this will undoubtedly pacify the numerous savages and facilitate the discovery of wheat and oil.