Thursday, August 14, 2008

Canaduh Shut Out of Medals at Rock Olympics

Mothercorp: Good afternoon, this is Ron Complain coming to you from backstage at the Rock Olympics in good old Bee-ping, home of Bird's Nest soup, French fried cicadas and cow tendon dumplings. It's been another day of disappointment for the Canajun Olympic Rock team in the Jam Band competition. I hesitate to use the word "execrable" to describe the performance of the Canajun band, because most people don't know what "execrable" means, including me, and besides I can't pronounce "execrable", but I think it's fair to say that "disastrous" would not be too far off the mark. In any case, the execrable...I mean disastrous performance resulted in a ninth place finish in a field of eight, and the prospect of an ignominious return to Canaduh for a group of highly-touted musicians, a group for which Canajuns previously had extremely moderate expectations of a gold medal performance.

I'm speaking now with Buzz Sawchuk, lead singer and guitarist for The Stumblers, Canaduh's hope for gold in the Rock Olympics Jam Band competition. Well, Buzz, what have you got to say about that execrable I mean disastrous I mean disappointing showing today?

Buzz Sawchuk: Well, first of all, Ron, I'd like to apologize to Canajuns all over the world, but especially Canajuns in, uh, Canaduh. I mean, like, we really blew it today eh? You know, we gave it a hunnerd and ten percent, eh? But we just weren't on today. So...sorry.

Then, I'd like to apologize to all our fans. Our fans are the greatest you know? Hey you guys, you rock! But we kinda let 'em down today. So...sorry.

Then, I'd like to apologize to my parents. I mean they were the ones who gave the band its name, eh? I remember my dad sayin' to us in the garage one day when we were rehearsing, he said, "You guys're just stumblin' from one musical disaster to another ain't ya?" And of course, we went, "Hey cool! Stumblers, that's us!" Anyway, so...sorry.

Then, I'd like to apologize to our corporate sponsors. Without them we'd be playing tiddly-winks, you know? Or ping pong or something. Instead of having the opportunity to wank away on some heavy power chords...Especially Fender. They supply us with all our guitars and amps. It's real embarrassing to go through what happened today and then have to go back to Fender and say we need more equipment cuz we kinda short-circuited the other stuff...

Mothercorp: Yeah, I guess you guys had kind of a Fender bender today...

B.S.: Uh...Fender bender?

Mothercorp: Yeah, you know, like a...fender bender you know?

B.S.: Hmmm...don't know what you mean...Anyway, to the folks at Fender, we're sorry.

And then, finally, I'd like to personally apologize to the other guys in the band cuz that's what we do when we fu...when we screw up, we apologize to each other until one of us pukes, eh...but actually, I don't need to apologize to them because they'll probably just give me a couple good smacks upside the head and that'll be the end of it. Anyway...sorry.

On the upside though, all this gave me an idea for a song. I'm going to call it Sorry Sorry Sorry, and it'll be on our upcoming album which we're gonna call, Sorry, We're Canajun...

Mothercorp: Did you say you're sorry you're Canajun?

B.S.: No I said Sorry Comma We're Canajun! Like, excuse me, know what I mean?

Mothercorp: Oh, okay, I just wanted to be clear there.

B.S.: Right, so we're gonna release this album Sorry Comma We're Canajun, and the first single will be Sorry Sorry Sorry. Check us out on the web. Check out our MySpace page, and our Facebook page, and we're on iTunes and CD Baby. And don't forget our website, Thestumblers all one word dot C A. Cuz we're Canajun, right? We got a C A web domain...

Mothercorp: So tell me what happened out there today. Things seemed to be going all right at the beginning of the set, but then it all fell apart, literally.

B.S.: Yeah, right. Things started out pretty good. We were doing well with the required elements. We had the melody. We had the harmony going. The rhythm was rock solid, as it should be, since it's rock, you know? We're a little weak on the choreography part, but then who expects jam bands to do fancy steppin'. So, yeah, we had it all working pretty good.

Mothercorp: But then something went wrong...

B.S.: Yeah, it was great until we were about to head into the long instrumental jam session. That's where we normally shine. But, unfortunately, I think my concentration slipped for a second, and that's when I dropped the E major nine chord. Now, see, that E major nine chord, that's the one that leads directly into the jam. That's a real important chord, and a famous one too. That's the Jimi Hendrix chord. And Blood Sweat and Tears used it too. Everybody uses it. It's like the signal, man. But today I dropped it and suddenly everyone was confused.

So what happened...Bootsy, the bass man, he rushed over to me to see if he could help me pick it up off the floor, which is where the jam was heading. But as he came over he tripped on his pedal board and went flying head first into the kick drum...not the main kick drum but the secondary one that our drummer Chick Boom uses for his drum solo. Fantastic drum solo, man, with double kick drum going boomadi boomadi boomadi boomadi...For us, that's the highlight of the jam. But naturally, with the second kick drum out of commission, our jam session was quickly heading south.

Mothercorp: By "heading south" you mean "going bad"..."turning sour"...

B.S.: No, I mean heading south, like, to Antarctica, or somewhere...

Mothercorp: All right...I then what?

B.S.: Well, that's when things got really wild. Bootsy got up, but his head was still stuck in the kick drum and he was flailing around...couldn't see a thing...and he stumbled into my amp and knocked it straight into the pool.

See, I don't quite understand why they had the jam band stage next to the pool. That's where the reggae bands should be. Jam bands should be out in some field or a meadow, surrounded by tents, or out in the woods with campsites, you know? But obviously the organizers did as they saw fit.

Anyway, Bootsy knocked my amp into the pool and man, did it sizzle and pop when it went in. Way cool, but that was pretty much the end of the jam. Lucky for me my guitar cord got pulled out of the guitar, otherwise I would have been dumped into the pool too. That would have meant serious bodily injury I think.

Mothercorp: Yes, you're famous for your extremely short guitar cord...

B.S.: Yeah, see, I've been trying to use the same cord I started with when I was twelve, just to see how long it would last. So every time it gets a break in it or the plug goes, I cut it down and then re-solder the plug and all that. So now it's only about three feet long. Kinda cuts down on mobility on stage, but the audience seems to like it. But with that short a cord, I could have been pulled right into the pool along with the amp. So that was a lucky break for me. But then Bootsy stopped playin' and Chick stopped playin' and of course I couldn't play...

Mothercorp: Yes, at one point, the only one playing was the keyboardist...

B.S.: Jerry Lee, yeah he just kept on playing. He never pays any attention to nothin'...he's always busy pulling drawbars and twiddling knobs. In this case, though, that was a good thing, cuz it's major point deductions if the whole band stops! But anyway, by then we knew it was a lost cause, so Bootsy decided he better just pour some lighter fluid on his bass and set the whole thing on fire, which was no big deal cuz after all, we were right next to the pool...

Mothercorp: So, the implosion of your set left the field wide open. What did you think of the band from Togo that won the gold medal in the end?

B.S.: Peanut Butter Jam? Yeah, I loved them. Very smooth. Although personally I prefer jams with a bit more crunch.

Mothercorp: So now, after this major upset and disappointment, what do you plan to do next?

B.S.: Well, we were scheduled to go on tour in the Northern Igloo Settlements of South Carolina. We had a government grant, but all those support grants for the arts were cancelled last week, so now we're not sure what's going to happen. You know, arts support is even worse than the athletic supports.

Mothercorp: And if the tour doesn't pan out?

B.S.: Well, I think I'm just going to go back to my parents' place in Chicoutimi, sit alone in the basement and play Brian Wilson records for about the next four years. Then maybe I'll go out to a few jams here and there. If that works out, maybe we'll jam a bit as The Stumblers and come back for the next Rock Olympics. It's such an honour to represent your country in the greatest musical competition in the world, eh? Too bad we messed up so bad today. But you know what they say about how on any given day any given band could be given the opportunity to give their best or something like that and win the gold. We gave it our best shot. Or we gave it a shot eh?

Mothercorp: Yes you certainly did, and I'm sure Canajuns across Canaduh and the outer planets are proud of the certainly most disappointing effort you and the rest of the Stumblers showed here today. Thanks Buzz.

B.S.: No thank you and really we are very sorry.

Mothercorp: Yes you are. Ladies and gentlemen and all you kidlets at home, that was Buzz Sawchuk, lead guitarist and singer with The Stumblers who placed ninth in a field of eight jam bands at the Jam Band competition. I'm Ron Complain and you're watching the Mothercorp's overblown coverage of the 96th Rock Olympics in Bee-ping.

Time now to head over to the Lip Sync stage where our wandering-eye reporter, P.H. Hadabadeye, is going to bring us up to date on the latest controversy in the Lip Sync competition. It appears that the Chinese lip sync duo, The Wao Sisters, are being accused of actually singing their own music. P.H., what are you hearing over there....?....

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